Thoughts from a smokey / sleepy mind

I woke up smelling smoke this morning. By this morning I mean about 2:30 AM. I realized the power was off and woke up John.

We searched for the source of the smoke and he was the first to realize that it was glowing outside. The hill behind our home was flickering and lit chunks of debris and ash flew through the
wind into the yard.

I frantically called 911, shoved things in a backpack and changed into not pajamas. I bagged some of zoeys food and we got out. We took a deep breath in the house and ran to the car. It sounded like roaring outside.

Now, still coming off the edge of my (fully functioning) fight or flight response, I am laying in a bed, not mine, and thinking about how blessed I am.

Here are a couple of reasons why:

I woke up to the smoke. We didn’t lay there sleeping, inhaling smoke, passing time that we could be using to get clear headed and get out.

I had a flashlight like right there. A couple of weeks ago I realized I didnt have one. I wanted one for walking zoey in the morning when it is still dark out. I searched the house and found nothing so I asked my dad if he had any extras. He gave me two. I put one in my car and brought the other into the house. It had been standing on my bathroom counter. Like a little soldier waiting for duty. This morning, while I was scared and sleepy, I had that flashlight in my hand after about one second.

John was calm and cool. As I said earlier, I was frantic. I’m still not sure what I shoved into my backpack. I was talking a mile a minute, breathing super fast and pacing as I pulled stuff and packed it. He stopped me, reminded me what was important and said everything else could be replaced if anything happened. Then he drove us to a warm, safe place to ride out the storm.

If my home burns down and so does everything with it, I know it’ll be okay. This week’s Modern Family was about family’s home burning. The December issue of Real Simple featured stories about women going through difficulties during the holidays and being okay. One of the stories was about a womans home burning down. I read it before I went to bed last night. The ends of the show and the stories ended the same, life continued and everyone was alright.

The good stuff can’t burn. As I lay here wondering about my home, reading fire updated online, wishing I could sleep; I am comforted by the fact that I have the love, support and friendship of the people in my life, who are all safe. That is what matters.

So I’ll just lay here until the sun comes up. And then you know what I’m goin to do? I’m going to try to do exactly what I would anyways. I can’t change the fire, I can’t control it. I can just take care of myself. And zoey ❤

I’m not too sure if this makes any sense, I’m very tired and pretty worn out. But it felt good getting it out.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Johns Mama’s

Sshhhhh! Just leeesten.

Today I learned, then relearned a lesson.

Sometimes I just need to be silent.

This lesson is a toughy for me because I can get really excited/energized/passionate [bossy…] about conversations easily.  This leads to me talking too much and not hearing those around me, or even worse, not letting those around me have a voice.

This morning I put my foot in my mouth (to borrow a phrase from a friend).  I worked on a project with a partner and when my fellow student asked me about it, I snapped back unnecessarily.  I later apologized and he was very kind about it, but I still feel emotionally hungover from it.  The conversation between us could have been so much more kind with a little silence in it.  

Student: “Hey Courtney, do you have our project?”
Me: Pause, think to self be thoughtful / honest / intelligent / necessary / kind.
Me: “Yeah, I turned it in, but it is on the front table if you’d like to take a look”
BOOM! It would be quick, done, simple and nice.

Instead it went like this….

Student: “Hey Courtney, do you have our project?”
Me: Snarl-Snarl-snotty look-Passive aggression.
(so that wasn’t exactly what I said, but I think it sums it up.)
The Universe knew I needed to review this particular lesson again.
Later, a friend was making a joke.  A joke that IF I had quieted myself to hear the end of, I would have realized it ended in a very kind way.
Key word…IF.
Clearly, I did not choose to hear the end of the joke, but unleashed a high pitched squall of upset reaction upon him.
An hour or so later, I was showered and felt that I needed to talk to him about it.  I called him and told him how the joke made me feel.  It made me sad.  
Then something magical happened.
I realized my part.
Part of the way through my speech on my feelings, I realized that I interrupted him.  I spoke over him and didn’t let him speak for himself.  
So I apologized.  Genuinely.  And we had a wonderful conversation where he said very nice things and finished his original story that I had interrupted earlier.  
Seriously.  Magical.
I got to hear what my friend was saying, learn more about myself, and am going to go to sleep tonight with a lighter heart because I got to apologize for my inappropriate actions.  
To put it clearly:
Before, I felt like this.
Now, I am starting to feel more like this.
And guess who gets a better night’s rest?  
[ i am seeing a flaw in that logic right now due to the fact that i am not nocturnal and sunshine occurs in the day….please disregard this fact for now ]
The answer is LM Sunshine…err, well, me after listening a little.  
Plus, I chatter away on this blog a whooooole lot.  So, I can afford to listen more during the day.