Fear and Changes

Well hello there!  Fancy meeting you here.

It has been oh, a MONTH, since I last posted.  A lot has been going on.  Well, mainly a lot of holiday baking and sugar-eating (which lead me to do my second Whole30 throughout January! But more about that later).

Right now, I am sitting at my desk, trying to avoid eye contact with my TO DO list.  It is menacing right now.  It is filled with tasks that seem small, but really have great big consequences.  I am graduating nursing school in May, so this winter break I am trying to get prepared.  I am taking an ACLS course, updating my resume, collecting letters of recommendation, and meeting with friends and coworkers gathering information and tips.

Don’t get me wrong, it has been great so far, but each time I look at that list to find my next task…I feel dread.  I begin to fear what kind of nurse I will be.  I start to question my knowledge and my abilities.  I start to drum up memories as evidence backing the idea of how incapable I am.  In general, I really freak out.

So what is behind this?  Here is what I have come up with…Fear, obviously.  Particularly about change.

My life is about to, yet again, get flipped (turned upside down – holla back Fresh Prince).  And that kinda freaks me out.  I will have a new schedule, I will learn new things, I will be around new people.  My priorities, responsibilities, and routines will change. AH!

That is pretty intimidating.  But here is the thing, as I type it all, I find myself also excited.  I know that I am doing what I am meant to.  I know that I have worked hard and will do fine.  I know  that I will struggle for a while at first, but also that period will pass and eventually things will smooth out again.

know that this is worth it, that I am worth it.  I am worth trudging forward through this scary bit.  My future will be better because of it.  I will be stronger and smarter because of it.

And all of those memories I am dwelling on that make me think I can’t do this?  Psch.  Bananas.  If I stop and piece them apart, they aren’t accurate.  They are false evidence.  (False Evidence Appearing Real) So one time a patient of mine threw up? I did not cause that, their body caused that.  I gave appropriate care before, during, and after the whole shebang.  One patient getting sick does not equate to me being a terrible future healthcare professional.  (my fearful mind can be very overdramatic…)

Writing (typing) this all out, feeling this all out has lightened my mind and my heart.  I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.  Also, I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, and that fact will not change, regardless of my employment status 🙂

As for all of the things that will change, I have a feeling they will turn out just fine.  They did for this guy.

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