to be honest.

Now this isn’t one of those TBH then you say something super rude, but somehow justify it in the name of honesty.

There are a lot of things I can be honest about that would just make it clear that I have a lot of “hyper douche” thoughts from time to time.  Just because its honest, doesn’t mean it needs to be said.

Well that’s a tangent.  No surprise to anyone I’m sure. TBH I’m not the most to-the-point writer of all time.

I often use this blog for personal reflection.  It is an avenue for me to allow my thoughts to freely wander outside of my skull, when I want to overanalyze them instead.  Some topics can swirl around my brain, meandering through the lobes and grooves indefinitely.

Lately that topic has been grad school.  I have assumed I would go to grad school for a long time.  It became a constant when I thought about my future.  I think that becoming a nurse practitioner would be incredible.  I love the scope of practice, the direct patient relationship, the opportunity for outreach, and the new challenges that would come with each day.

However, I am beginning to feel like I burned myself out last year.  I worked full-time in a relatively new position, completed my online BSN bridge program (subsequently graduating with my 2nd Bachelor’s degree), planned a wedding, and got married.  It was a lot.  Granted, it was a lot of beautiful, wonderful things, but still, it was a LOT.  I didn’t pause, but instead chugged on forward into a graduate statistics course needed to apply to the graduate nursing program of my choice.

As the sun comes out and Spring envelopes us, I just want to pause.  I crave peace, creativity, and free afternoons.  When I drive past parks and scroll through baby-filled Instagram posts, I long for a family of my own.  I have had the same note on my to do list for TWO MONTHS: Pick up wedding photo USB.

I haven’t stopped to get and enjoy my own freaking wedding photos.  I want to make them into a simple, but beautiful photo book that we can page through.  I want to complete our thank you notes! Yes! They exist!  We have filled out about 20/100.  They’ll only be like 6 months late….

So currently my graduate school application is complete for all but one piece.  The personal statement declaring why I want to go to grad school (plus many other relevant points that I won’t summarize here).  But honestly, right now I don’t know if I do want that.

I have to mention that writing this is terrifying.  I am so supported and encouraged by my loved ones.  Letters of recommendation are done for Heaven’s sake! I don’t want to let people down.  I don’t want to let myself down.

But I also don’t want to push myself to the point of exhausted frustration, and that’s what I’m really worried about.

So what do I do?  Maybe complete the application, allow myself to rest after and decide then.

I may not get in.

I may feel rested after a summer off of school and feel totally ready to embark on a new Edventure (new word, adventure in education!).

I may be going through fear of change.

I may by hyper-distracted by my lovely ovaries and this need to have and hold a little babe is distracting me from my other goals.

I may be a lot of things.

I am definitely confused.  So what to do.

For now, I’m going to go to the bathroom.  I’m writing this at a coffeeshop and I don’t want to leave my computer and stuff at the table, so I’ve REALLY been postponing a needed visit to the ladies #myeyeballsareswimming .

After that, I’m just not sure.  But I do know that I feel better after getting bit of my overthinking out.  Thanks guys.

I hope you are all able to go out and enjoy whichever beautiful day it is when you’re reading this.

Courtney

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