to be honest.

Now this isn’t one of those TBH then you say something super rude, but somehow justify it in the name of honesty.

There are a lot of things I can be honest about that would just make it clear that I have a lot of “hyper douche” thoughts from time to time.  Just because its honest, doesn’t mean it needs to be said.

Well that’s a tangent.  No surprise to anyone I’m sure. TBH I’m not the most to-the-point writer of all time.

I often use this blog for personal reflection.  It is an avenue for me to allow my thoughts to freely wander outside of my skull, when I want to overanalyze them instead.  Some topics can swirl around my brain, meandering through the lobes and grooves indefinitely.

Lately that topic has been grad school.  I have assumed I would go to grad school for a long time.  It became a constant when I thought about my future.  I think that becoming a nurse practitioner would be incredible.  I love the scope of practice, the direct patient relationship, the opportunity for outreach, and the new challenges that would come with each day.

However, I am beginning to feel like I burned myself out last year.  I worked full-time in a relatively new position, completed my online BSN bridge program (subsequently graduating with my 2nd Bachelor’s degree), planned a wedding, and got married.  It was a lot.  Granted, it was a lot of beautiful, wonderful things, but still, it was a LOT.  I didn’t pause, but instead chugged on forward into a graduate statistics course needed to apply to the graduate nursing program of my choice.

As the sun comes out and Spring envelopes us, I just want to pause.  I crave peace, creativity, and free afternoons.  When I drive past parks and scroll through baby-filled Instagram posts, I long for a family of my own.  I have had the same note on my to do list for TWO MONTHS: Pick up wedding photo USB.

I haven’t stopped to get and enjoy my own freaking wedding photos.  I want to make them into a simple, but beautiful photo book that we can page through.  I want to complete our thank you notes! Yes! They exist!  We have filled out about 20/100.  They’ll only be like 6 months late….

So currently my graduate school application is complete for all but one piece.  The personal statement declaring why I want to go to grad school (plus many other relevant points that I won’t summarize here).  But honestly, right now I don’t know if I do want that.

I have to mention that writing this is terrifying.  I am so supported and encouraged by my loved ones.  Letters of recommendation are done for Heaven’s sake! I don’t want to let people down.  I don’t want to let myself down.

But I also don’t want to push myself to the point of exhausted frustration, and that’s what I’m really worried about.

So what do I do?  Maybe complete the application, allow myself to rest after and decide then.

I may not get in.

I may feel rested after a summer off of school and feel totally ready to embark on a new Edventure (new word, adventure in education!).

I may be going through fear of change.

I may by hyper-distracted by my lovely ovaries and this need to have and hold a little babe is distracting me from my other goals.

I may be a lot of things.

I am definitely confused.  So what to do.

For now, I’m going to go to the bathroom.  I’m writing this at a coffeeshop and I don’t want to leave my computer and stuff at the table, so I’ve REALLY been postponing a needed visit to the ladies #myeyeballsareswimming .

After that, I’m just not sure.  But I do know that I feel better after getting bit of my overthinking out.  Thanks guys.

I hope you are all able to go out and enjoy whichever beautiful day it is when you’re reading this.

Courtney

My 30 before 30.

Happy Tuesday fellow Adventurers!

Surprising to no one, it turns out that 25 year old Courtney had a different focus than current Courtney (28, also known as baller-ass Courtney) (ok, maybe that isn’t an official nickname, or like, a nickname at all, but still, I’m pretty proud of the Courtney I am today, so baller-ass it is!)

Sorry.  Tangent.

My point is, as I look at my 30 before 30 list, I see many that I just don’t care about.  I feel like as each year adds on to my earthly experience, I grow more comfortable with my mercurial way of life.  I used to berate myself for changing interests and focus so often.  “Why aren’t I like SO GOOD at running?” OR “Why don’t I buckle down and obsess over crocheting until I am THE BEST EVER!?”

The fact is, I am a very curious person and I like that about myself.  That means that I have many interests.  I love trying new things and as time goes by, I am less and less intimidated to do so.  So yes, sometimes I walk away from certain activities that I have started (ahem, crossfit, crocheting, clubs), BUT I know that the things I continue to do and continue to participate in, I LOVE (yoga, writing, acupuncture, cashew butter….)

And in the mean time, I get to explore this beautiful, diverse world and dip my toes into the waters of new experiences.

So yeah, I have a lot in my hobby graveyard, but I also am confident that I am open-minded.  I am getting more comfortable saying yes and trying stuff out.  Someone’s got to put the adventure in CourtneyLand, right?

Getting back to my 30 before 30.  Well, I’m going to edit that sucker! Yep, and I’m not going to feel bad about it.

If you have any ideas of stuff to tack on there, I am open to suggestions!

Big hugs,

Courtney ❤

life lately.

Life lately has been… a bit bananas.

In the past six months, my life has flipped-turned upside down.  I now understand just exactly what the Fresh Prince was rappin’ about.

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On one hand it feels like I am just doing my thang.  One day at a time, I am learning, growing, and moving forward.  It feels pretty settled.  Then I look at the other hand and am like, “Woah! Bear Claw!?!?! What happened????!?!?!”

My (very cloudy) point is, when I slow down and reflect on my life today versus life just six months ago.  The change is profound.

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So what happened?

i graduated nursing school, i got a brother in law! i became an RN, i moved, i adjusted to living on my own, i started a new job, i met new people, i missed past people, some people moved further away, others needed time to heal, we all needed time to heal.

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Some things are personal and just aren’t safe to talk about on the interwebz, so I’m just going to share a bitty bit on my job.

When I took this chance on myself two and half years ago, I never imagined life would be this incredible.  I work at the best place (for me, that is).  I am supported by my coworkers and my supervisors.  I am learning every day (and night) and my teachers are everyone;  my manager and preceptors, other nurses, my patients, E – the sweetest housekeeper, patients’ sons (and husbands, sisters, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, parents), physician’s, robot doctors (aka the telecommuting doc), nursing aids, the chaplain, RT, hospice workers, and social workers.  I started praying that I would be ‘teachable’ at the beginning of each shift because there is just so much to learn.  I am grateful I work in a place that welcomes questions and am surrounded by people who will help.

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At the end of every shift, I shuffle back to my car.  The air is cold and my legs are tired.  I plop down in my seat and become engulfed in a feeling of satisfaction.  Even on the hardest days (/nights), when you are just doing your absolute best, but it seems like there is just so much MORE that you need to do on top of that, I end up with this feeling. I know I am where I am meant to be.  I know I will continue to learn and grow with time and experience.

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a little beauty on the walk back to my car after a long shift

These past six months have been a soulful workout.  I have seen and experienced more than I ever could have predicted, but I feel better for it.  It is like after a good cry (and you know I love those), you feel cleansed, but also fortified?  I guess that is how it feels when I sit down and think about it.

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do you see the pup? sweet zo

Oh! And guess what? I think I might like night shift! Cool, huh? I’m only two weeks deep now, so we shall see how it goes with time.  I credit my pack of night shifting friends who have been giving me step-by-step guidelines on how to survive.  They’re awesome.

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me after sleeping during the day. clearly i am one of those bloggers who only takes carefully constructed, very attractive photos of herself :-/ you’re welcome for this beauty world.

Crying Season

A couple of years ago, I had a year where I cried just about 2-3 times per week.  I would cry over gratitude, joy, sadness, frustration, ANYTHING.

I remember having a friend who cried a lot during that time too.  We could just look at each other sometimes and have a good cry.

If this sounds crazy, then obviously you are not a crier.  But if you relate, then Welcome! My fellow crying people!!!

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see? i’ve always been a crier.

 

Anyways, during the time, my life wasn’t particularly tragic, I just needed to cry.  Looking back, I think there were a lot of changes going on in my life and the crying was a way that my body and soul processed it all.  I got to feel all of the emotions that were stirring about during that time and work through them.

It was refreshing, it was healing.

And it is happening again.  How do I know?  I saw Grown Ups 2 last night and cried for a LONG TIME.  I was moved by the storyline.  It started with the mention of a soldier in Afghanistan (I am crying just remembering it) and how much a father loves his son and how another father could relate.  Phew.  It was great.

It makes sense as well.  I finished my nursing program and am moving forward in life.  I start my new job in August and am so excited.  My sister is getting married in a week!!! ❤ ❤ ❤  (holy moly, every time I edit my speech, I lose it). I am moving out of my house. There is a lot of change.

Though the changes that are going on are beautiful and joyful, I still need to cry.  I cry over how grateful and happy I am.  I cry over the joy I feel for my sister.  I cry over the amazing opportunities I have and the signs of God’s will in my life.  I cry over the sadness that I won’t see my nursing school classmates so much.  I cry over changes that make me scared, but need to happen.  I cry over it all.  And Hallmark commercials.  I cry over every single freakin’ one.  Damn it, Hallmark!?  You know what you’re doing and I resent you for it (while I’m crying).

Phew again.

So, it is crying season.  I am stocking up on soft tissues, tea, and embracing it.

 

my dad

Because of my Dad I have webbed toes.  Two webbed on each foot, just like him.

Because of my Dad I love camping.  Being outside makes me feel more free and more myself.

Because of my Dad I bargain hunt.  I love looking into the clearance shelves and trying to find something cool. One time I found a microwave.

Because of my Dad I try to have empathy for people I don’t know.  Some people aren’t forthcoming with their histories and that’s okay.

Because of my Dad I believe in second, third, and fourth chances.  If something is worth it, it is worth going back for.

My Dad and I drink coffee the same (excessively) we play BananaGrams the same (competitively) and we love each other the same (a lot).  Of course I get frustrated with him.  I tell him things like ‘get to the point’ and ‘ugh’.  But I love him and I am glad that he’s my Dad.

Spring is coming

The sun is creeping over the mountains just a teensy bit earlier…The ground is still frozen, but thaws in the sunshine….The birds are singing happily in the mornings.

Yep.  Spring is coming to our high desert.  And it is magical.

Courtney

 

PS

I bet it’ll snow tomorrow.  That’s a telltale sign of Nevada springtime 😉

Fear and Changes

Well hello there!  Fancy meeting you here.

It has been oh, a MONTH, since I last posted.  A lot has been going on.  Well, mainly a lot of holiday baking and sugar-eating (which lead me to do my second Whole30 throughout January! But more about that later).

Right now, I am sitting at my desk, trying to avoid eye contact with my TO DO list.  It is menacing right now.  It is filled with tasks that seem small, but really have great big consequences.  I am graduating nursing school in May, so this winter break I am trying to get prepared.  I am taking an ACLS course, updating my resume, collecting letters of recommendation, and meeting with friends and coworkers gathering information and tips.

Don’t get me wrong, it has been great so far, but each time I look at that list to find my next task…I feel dread.  I begin to fear what kind of nurse I will be.  I start to question my knowledge and my abilities.  I start to drum up memories as evidence backing the idea of how incapable I am.  In general, I really freak out.

So what is behind this?  Here is what I have come up with…Fear, obviously.  Particularly about change.

My life is about to, yet again, get flipped (turned upside down – holla back Fresh Prince).  And that kinda freaks me out.  I will have a new schedule, I will learn new things, I will be around new people.  My priorities, responsibilities, and routines will change. AH!

That is pretty intimidating.  But here is the thing, as I type it all, I find myself also excited.  I know that I am doing what I am meant to.  I know that I have worked hard and will do fine.  I know  that I will struggle for a while at first, but also that period will pass and eventually things will smooth out again.

know that this is worth it, that I am worth it.  I am worth trudging forward through this scary bit.  My future will be better because of it.  I will be stronger and smarter because of it.

And all of those memories I am dwelling on that make me think I can’t do this?  Psch.  Bananas.  If I stop and piece them apart, they aren’t accurate.  They are false evidence.  (False Evidence Appearing Real) So one time a patient of mine threw up? I did not cause that, their body caused that.  I gave appropriate care before, during, and after the whole shebang.  One patient getting sick does not equate to me being a terrible future healthcare professional.  (my fearful mind can be very overdramatic…)

Writing (typing) this all out, feeling this all out has lightened my mind and my heart.  I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.  Also, I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, and that fact will not change, regardless of my employment status 🙂

As for all of the things that will change, I have a feeling they will turn out just fine.  They did for this guy.

What gray days are for

Today is a gray day.

There is a thick cloudy layer, floating above Reno and I am enjoying it.  Black coffee is so much more satisfying and cozy during a little rain.  Or during sunshine.  Or snow.  Or hail.  Or anytime because coffee, black or otherwise, is freakin’ amazing!!!!

Maybe I will limit myself to one cup today…

As usual around finals time, my mind begins to wander more easily.  So-this post may seem a bit random, some gratitude / some reflection.  We’ll see where it goes, shall we?  Well…I will see where it goes, you may or may not continue to read it depending.  I will try to input fun stuff from the internet throughout to keep it interesting.

That video is my dream future.

Hm, let’s start with gratitude.  I’ve been late on a lot of my Sunday posts, but I am still one grateful lady.

  • The past few weeks, I have been woken up several times by the wind.  It was a’hooowlin!  It came with icy temperatures, rain, and freezing fog.  And I rode out each storm in bed.  With the heat on.  With a roof over my head.  My home is sturdy and we were kept protected and warm.  What a gift!  But each time I woke up, my mind moved to all of those people who don’t have homes. There are a LOT of people without permanent homes today.  Particularly in Nevada.  At the same time, I am grateful for proactive people in our community who work to be a part of the solution, like my friend Sean.  Read about his work to keep people warm here:  Big Reno Coat Drive.   I put a video below done by current students at the Orvis School of Nursing – Go fellow nursing students!!!  It is worth your time to watch.
  • I am grateful for my family.  They are funny and kind and crazy and wonderful.  I had some Padre / Bubba time yesterday and have been relishing all of the time I get to spend with my Mom since she has moved back in town.  AND – I will be visiting San Diego next week!!! To have some much-needed SeaStar time.  I can’t wait.  Aaand, I am going to workout with her fiancé Blake!  He does CrossFit and knows I am a baby Crossfitter (CrossFetus?) .  Plus, it will give us a nice chance to bond.  Before we hit family status, he needs to know certain things.  Like when I do ANYTHING, I sweat excessively.  I went to a work party on Saturday where there was dancing.  I honestly think one of the MDs I work for was concerned for my health.  I was sweaty.  Welcome to the family Blake!
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Yep. That’s about right. I’m REAL sweaty.
  • I am also grateful for my nursing classmates.  Especially the dudes.  This year, my classmate Scott guided me in finding a Christmas gift for my BF that he may actually enjoy.  The gift I got him last year is still in the box in the closet…  It was a mylar shark balloon that you can steer with a remote control.  I may have gotten it more for me than him.  Before talking to Scott, my go-to present for the BF was a functional keyboard tie.  I have a feeling he will be much happier with what I ended up with…

Alright.  I guess I had better study already.  That is the perk of working hard though!  I have studied hard all semester – so now, even though my final is worth 25% of my grade, I only need a 30% or higher to pass the class!  Of course, I want a good grade, but knowing that kind of takes the pressure off.

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PS

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Happy Halloween!

Here’s a little tune to get you in a spooooky mood!

I’m tucked inside finishing some schoolwork, but I won’t let that get me down!

So I am reading about renal failure and waiting for those Trick or Treaters! I love Halloween!  One day I want to have a SUPER scary house where I can do a lot of makeup and sit outside so it looks like I am a statue or some other decoration, then JUMP OUT and scare the kids.

Ah, dreams.

Happy Halloween and to the luck few of you that live in Nevada – HAPPY NEVADA DAY!!! HOO-RAH BATTLE BORN!!!!!